“When you’re desperate for a baby and people urge you to ‘keep trying’ it’s not necessarily what you want to hear,” says Hannah. “But that is what we all did. During my pregnancy with Arthur I made a point of saying to anyone seeing me pregnant for the first time ‘it took a long time to get here, and we had three miscarriages’, because I never wanted anyone to feel I’d tripped into pregnancy easily. He was so wanted after so much loss.”
Katherine believes the recent introduction of baby loss certificates is a good thing. “It won’t bring the baby back, but having their grief recognised might help some women during the lowest time.”
This Mother’s Day, all four are looking forward to feeling grateful for their longed for babies.
“I don’t know whether it’s the power of community or someone was watching over us, but it feels like a miracle,” smiles Tess. “This year we can finally celebrate.”
What not to say to someone after baby loss
According to The Worst Girl Gang Ever (TWGGE) co-founder Bex Gunn
‘At least …’
Direct a sentence starting with the words ‘at least’ and you’ll be met with an eye-roll. Or a snotty, mascara-streaked breakdown. “At least it was early …” Why? Because you hadn’t had time to form a connection? No one has ever felt comforted by this. Every loss is heartbreaking no matter when it happens. Don’t try to put a positive spin on our loss. If you minimise the loss, the grief is doubled. ‘At leasts’ are just like slagging off your brother. It’s fine for you to do it, but no one else.
‘At least you know you can get pregnant’
Although the knowledge that your body is capable of pregnancy can be comforting to some, the fear of never being able to bring a baby home far outweighs this. Women struggling with recurrent miscarriage find no comfort in the knowledge that they can become pregnant, because it’s only led to pain and isolation. Knowing you can get pregnant is not helpful if you can’t stay pregnant.
‘At least it wasn’t a real baby; it was just a bunch of cells’
Equating our hugely devastating baby loss with some science-y crap won’t ever make us feel better. Being made to feel that our baby wasn’t real is heart-breaking. Your baby mattered, you matter – don’t forget that.
‘At least you didn’t have the chance to get too attached’
This is such a wild misconception. Our heartbreak is valid because the moment we see those positive pregnancy lines is often the time we become ‘attached’.
‘It wasn’t meant to be’/‘It was God’s plan’
Ahh, OK then. We don’t need to feel sad any longer now you have told us that? Telling us that our gut-wrenchingly horrible experience of baby loss was “just one of those things, not meant to be” hurts. And hurting someone should never be ‘meant’.
‘At least you are still young’
If we are young, we have therefore decided that we want to become young parents. We’re aware of our age – it was almost certainly part of our decision-making process. Being reminded that we are young can make us feel naive.
These comments almost always come from a place of love, but also of misunderstanding. When it comes to baby loss, there is no ‘at least’.
For more information about The Worst Girl Gang Ever, visit theworstgirlgangever.co.uk
Sarah Carter is a health and wellness expert residing in the UK. With a background in healthcare, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being, promoting healthier living for readers.
