The seven key skills you need to know to help cope with life’s ups and downs

4. Psychological flexibility is key

Most people have rigid beliefs about how their life “should” be: “I must please people”; “I must not disappoint”. But repeated research shows that if you operate from the ground zero of how you think life should be, you’ll end up being inflexible. By this token, if something goes wrong, it proves you are rubbish.

Learn to negotiate with your own rules. Instead of the above, try: “I don’t have to be perfect”; “Sometimes I get it wrong”, or “I can’t always be at my best”. This takes practice, but if you catch yourself being rigid in your thought process, stop yourself, and ask whether there’s an alternative way of looking at it.

I liken this to the suspension on a car: if it’s rigid, you will feel every bump in the road, but if you are flexible, the journey will feel more smooth and comfortable.

5. Don’t categorise feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but ‘interesting’

Emotions are signposts, they are there for a reason. And people cling onto the positive emotions – they want to be happy, successful, in love – and push down the negative feelings such as fear or anxiety. This is entirely understandable. But we need to be curious about these “negative” emotions, and what they are teaching us. No emotion is wasted. 

For example, that anxiety about a big work project might be telling you to slow down. That sadness after a break-up is hard, but it is healing. Telling yourself – or another person – to “look on the bright side” is counterproductive as it invalidates your feelings and slows down your recovery.

6. Always examine the evidence

Your inner critic is there to stop you getting hurt, and your anxiety is driven by “what ifs”. You might think you won’t be able to cope with being single, or losing your job, but what is the evidence that this thought is true?

I tell my clients to imagine themselves in a court of law. Would their evidence about how they feel stand up in court? Is this evidence biased, or personal? Deal with your inner critic by becoming a lawyer in your own life.

I also advise people to write things down – keeping a journal, for example, can be very useful. If you find yourself in difficulty, challenge the negative thoughts you are having by writing down 10 key evidence points against yourself. You may surprise yourself that you can’t think of anything.

7. Show up unapologetically as who you are

Of course life has uniforms and rules: we have to present ourselves in a particular way and act appropriately in a work situation, for example. But we spend a lot of time in our lives trying to show up as something different to how we are: it’s not the route to a happy life. I grew up as a gay man in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, and lived my early life with Catholic shame and guilt. I had to move away to realise the impact, and only came out in my early 20s.

Ultimately, being comfortable with ourselves and holding true to our internal values is a human freedom. This means sometimes speaking up, even though it isn’t popular, and pushing through boundaries. If you see someone being bullied, and no-one else is standing up for them, be the person who does. You might create discomfort and upset people, but this doesn’t mean that it was the wrong decision.

Other people’s opinions don’t matter in the long run. If what you are doing pleases everyone, you are doing something wrong. If we spend our lives waiting for approval, we’ll be dissatisfied. Trust yourself and your judgment. And always ask yourself this: what are my actions going to be?

How To Be Your Own Therapist by Owen O’Kane (HarperCollins, £9.99)