Seven relationship crunch points to watch out for

Everyone has different boundaries on what’s acceptable. I’m always surprised that couples never discuss what they consider is crossing the line  until there’s a problem. One person thinks sending a “kiss” emoji to an old flame is fine, but their partner sees it as them “leaving the door open” or not being fully committed. 

Trust issues are often at the heart of the problem. I find that particularly for women – who have been conditioned for years to compare themselves – having a partner show an interest in sexualised, airbrushed pictures of others can make them feel “lacking” and bring out insecurities.

The advice

Open a discussion about where your own limits lie. You’re both in the relationship so boundaries should be agreed together – before a problem occurs. Often, the accused person gets defensive and ridicules the injured party for being petty which isn’t fair; it’s important to be honest and feel heard if you’re unhappy with something. The other person might not agree but your voice matters. If you’re hurt you should be able to express it, without being made to feel foolish. 

However, watch out for becoming controlling. You can say, for example, you don’t like them sometimes watching porn, but you can’t make them stop. 

An affair

This is the reason many couples come to therapy. One in five people in the UK admit to committing adultery, (and probably more actually do). People change over time and so do their needs and desires, this is human nature. Often a third party fills a person’s needs in a different way, and it’s more about how they make the adulterer feel about themselves that is the intoxicating thing. It’s actually rarely about sex, though the injured party naturally assumes they’re lacking in some way. Rarely is a marriage entirely happy when flings begin, and often during therapy the “injured partner” may see how their behaviour may also have played a part. 

The advice

Once you work through the blame, honest talks are needed to both find a way to make a new relationship together that is mutually fulfilling. 

The injured party might demand information, but stick to the facts: who it happened with, and how long it went on for. Never go into details such as sexual positions or places you visited as it will cause more pain. If two people both are genuinely determined to get their marriage back on track I would say it can work in three out of four cases.

Serious illness

We vow to stick with them “in sickness and in health”. Queen Camilla is clearly being a rock for the King as he recovers from cancer, but when one person is seriously ill – whether through illness, surgery or a life-changing accident – relationships can suffer. 

And sex is the first thing to go. It’s normal to go through periods in marriage where you’re not having sex. Young couples need to understand that it’s normal things change from how it was at the start. What’s more important is finding other ways to connect and be emotionally there for each other. 

I’ve worked with women post-mastectomy who feel desperately unattractive and men who’ve had injuries leaving them with erectile issues. Illness doesn’t just exhaust you but can shatter self esteem which naturally affects desire.

One woman I met was feeling guilty she didn’t feel up to sex because she was suffering from a serious bowel condition, so she stopped kissing her husband fearing it would signify she was up for sex when she really wasn’t. He, meanwhile, just felt shut out and rejected. They only opened up about this in therapy, yet it had created a wedge between them for months. 

The advice

The crucial thing is to talk about it. Don’t sweep the lack of sex under the carpet –  acknowledge it. Say: “I know being erotic isn’t how we feel right now when we’re dealing with so much, but know that I love you and still desire you.”

Try to find the level of physical contact you’re comfortable with, whether that’s a hug, a hand hold or just a hair stroke. Hanging onto those small acts of affection will make it less of a steep hill to climb when you might be able to get intimate. By avoiding something such as touch, anxiety issues can arise making it harder to get things back.

Money matters

Some of the most heated rows in the therapy room involve finances. I’ve seen that hell hath no fury like a woman who’s discovered her partner has been spending their money on sex workers. A physical fight almost broke out one time in my clinic, but this scenario is not uncommon. I’ve also seen marriages broken by gambling addictions. These are dramatic cases though where the money is the tip of the iceberg to bigger problems that require specific work from both people, especially from the “guilty” person.

Frequently couples fall out because spending habits just don’t align.

Money is not straightforward and our own attitudes towards it are shaped by our parents (whether we follow or rebel against it). It means different things to different people, from security to freedom to power.