Rude, patronising and out of his depth, Minister Mikey ticks all the boxes | John Crace

When Jeffrey Bernard was too pissed, hospitalised or generally unfit to file his weekly column, the Spectator used to publish the note “Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell” in its place. It worked a treat. Everyone knew precisely where things stood.

Perhaps now is the time for the Tory party to do something similar. It couldn’t be any worse than repeatedly sending out underprepared ministers to do interviews in which they crash and burn. Far better to let the public think the government is half-witted, rather than to have it proved.

Conservative head office could do worse than start with Michael Tomlinson, the catatonically dim illegal immigration minister. A member of the new moronocracy whose uselessness is only enhanced by the fact that he clearly rates himself extremely highly.

Pleased with himself doesn’t begin to cover it. Though maybe he takes learning to dress himself in the morning as a big win. Maybe it is, for Mikey. But the rest of us should be spared his shallow learning curve when he is asked to speak for the government. Mikey. You’ve let us down, you’ve let your country down and worst of all, you’ve let yourself down. Michael Tomlinson is Unwell.

It was more or less inevitable, though, that Mikey would be sent out on the media round on the morning after the Lords finally caved in over the Rwanda bill. After all, anyone with a connecting synapse had long since made themselves scarce. Rishi Sunak had scarpered to Poland, having taken Jeremy Hunt and Grant Shapps hostage. James Cleverly had flown first-class to Italy. Natch.

So Tomlinson it was. Though what is it with the Tories and media training? You’d have thought this was Politics 101. Teach the remedial cabinet class how to conduct an interview without making themselves look hopelessly out of their depth. Take Rish! – unable to get through a series of simple questions without his anger management issues surfacing. RIGHT? The Tetchiness of the Short-Distance Prime Minister. Then there’s Jezza. The chancellor who knows nothing about economics. Who looks terrified whenever confronted with a camera.

Then there’s Mikey. Where to start with Mikey? Rude, patronising and out of his depth: he’s got all bases covered. The long-suffering Mishal Husain began her Today programme interview with what she thought was a straightforward question. A gimme to settle Tomlinson’s nerves. When were the first asylum seekers and refugees going to be notified they were due for deportation?

Even that was too much for Tomlinson. Clearly there must be a trick in it somewhere. “We will be starting soon,” he began. “I was in the House of Lords when they gave way.” Literally no one cares where you were. That wasn’t what you were asked. “Then we have to get royal assent.” He said that as if he believed it was something that could be withheld. If only.

Husain had another go. Surely he must have identified the first batch of deportees by now. After all, he’d had the best part of a year to do it. “Absolutely not,” he declared. It was only now the law had been passed that he could get on to those details. Mikey isn’t a man who likes to multi-task. Instead, he started to lose it big time. Banging the table and oozing condescension.

“Respectfully Mishal …” As in, with no respect at all. “You asked the question in an incredulous voice …” Can you blame her, Mikey? It’s not every day she comes up against someone as hopeless as you. Most days. But not every day. Then Tomlinson starting muttering about the Labour party. Again Husain had to put him right. It was mainly the cross-benchers and the law lords who were opposed to the Rwanda bill.

This went on for quite some time. Mikey was pleased to report that there were 200 caseworkers working round the clock. Only they appeared to have done nothing. Nor could he say whether an airline had been found for the deportation flights. Couldn’t give too much info otherwise he would have to kill her. Careless talk costs lives. So, no then.

The table thumping got louder. As did the extreme patronising. “With respect …”

Husain moved on. Perhaps Tomlinson could say who would be eligible for deportation. Victims of torture? Victims of trafficking? “Absolutely,” insisted Mikey. Rwanda was a safe country. He knew that because Rish! had passed a law saying it was safe. People got far too exercised about human rights abuses and death squads.

If a developing country were to act is such an Orwellian manner, the UK government would be the first to call it out. But now Mikey was almost orgasmic with excitement. He wasn’t bothered about international law. Presumably if he had his way all 50,000 refugees would be on a plane today. No ifs, no buts. Scroungers the lot of them. There would be no exemptions. He’d even deport Paddington Bear if he could. Nasty Peruvian foreigner trying to ingratiate himself with the late queen.

Here we were. Rwanda was both a haven – though Mikey was in no hurry to go there himself – and a deterrent. Except it was neither. Husain pointed out that the boats were still coming over from France. We would later find out that another five asylum seekers had drowned. If the threat of death is not a deterrent then how the hell is Rwanda?

“Thank you minister,” said Husain. This was getting to be a habit. Just one meltdown after another. Mikey stomped off in a huff. Still, it can’t be nice to know that every member of staff in your department is laughing at you. There again, he probably lacks the self-awareness to realise what’s going on.

Meanwhile Sunak was flying at 38,000 feet when the news broke that five people had drowned. Pressed for a comment from the journalists travelling with him, Rish! declared that this was a sign of his deep compassion. There’s no end to his love. Or beginning, come to think of it.

But Rish! didn’t want to dwell too long on this. He was far too busy being important on the world stage. He was going to increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP. Which is easy to say when you’re going to be out of a job in a matter of months. Next stop, Santa Monica.