Esther Buekema died by euthanasia when she was 33-years-old in 2021. She lay in her mother’s arms on her childhood bed as her father and brother looked on while a nurse administered a lethal dose of a drug through a needle in her arm. It was at 2.30pm and five minutes later, she was gone.
Her parents, whose love for Esther was so strong that they were able to support her decision to die, honestly explain in a powerful interview with The Telegraph that they got comfort that she didn’t die alone. Her mother Ellen explains: “She was with the people she loved. And that is what you want for everyone.”
Ellen, a retired neonatal nurse and her husband Rob, a retired businessman, had watched their daughter campaign for her own death for over a decade.
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Esther grew up in a very busy, middle class home, with three siblings. She was a perfectionist and did well in primary school but struggled in secondary school and found it difficult to make friends.
At the age of 18, Esther was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and the family were later told she displayed symptoms of borderline personality disorder and autism. Within a year of her diagnosis, Esther became severely malnourished and ended up in hospital which her mother says became a cycle in their house of the next ten years.
“It was very difficult to understand what was happening in her head. She said, ‘I will eat to get myself out of the clinic’… and then she would come home, and we would start again, with the same problem,” Ellen told the publication.
“In the beginning, we all thought we could make Esther better. We went with all the power we had… trying to make her laugh, caring for her, consulting doctors. [They] also said it’s going to be OK. Not OK, but better. And I was reading a lot about anorexia, about eating disorders… to understand how she was thinking.”
At one stage, Esther spent four months in solitary confinement in a clinic as she was suicidal. Her parents were allowed to visit her for 15 minutes in the company of a nurse.
Her desire in life was to die. All the time her parents were hoping and trying to make her better.
In 2012 she contacted the Euthanasia Expertise Centre (then called the End of Life Clinic) and requested euthanasia. It was denied “because she was not considered psychologically competent.”
Over the next number of years, Esther was in and out of closed psychiatric wards. Her treatment at times was counterproductive as she would gain weight, be released and the cycle would start over again once she returned home.
In 2019, when Esther turned 30 she applied for euthanasia again. Ellen drove her to see a psychiatrist called Menno Oosterhoff. Sharing her memory of the appointment, Ellen said: “[He] read about Esther’s many years of illness, and he said to her, ‘The worst thing I can say to you now is that I have some options to make you better. I don’t have any options, Esther.’ He concluded that Esther was sound of mind and determined to die.”
This time, her request was approved. The paper explains that the Dutch guidelines for euthanasia for psychiatric illness are tougher than those for physical illness so along with a specially trained doctor you must have the opinion of an independent psychiatrist also.
Ellen and Rob say the next six weeks of their daughter’s life were the ‘most beautiful’ as the family just hung out together and got to ‘say everything they wanted to say to her’ too. Esther was more at ease and planned her own funeral and when she died, she was eventually at peace. “I saw her face. No anger. Very happy,” her father recalled.
While Ellen and Rob understand the arguments that surround assisted dying, they want to share their daughter’s story to give a better understanding and keep her memory alive. Ellen has set up a charity with two other mother’s called In Liefde Laten Gaan (Letting Go in Love), which support parents whose children request or receive euthanasia.
Read the interview in full, here.
If you or someone you know is currently dealing with grief, you can find help at 1800 807077 or at https://www.samaritans.org.
Sarah Carter is a health and wellness expert residing in the UK. With a background in healthcare, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being, promoting healthier living for readers.
