I’ve upset my mother’s carer – what should I do?

Dear Richard

My mother is in her 80s. She has the beginnings of dementia but thanks to regular visits from me, my sister and a home help, she has been able to continue living at home. However, the time is coming when we shall have to reassess the situation. 

In the process of tightening up her personal affairs we have managed to upset the home help. She’s been doing much of Mum’s shopping, paying in cash from a jar in the kitchen and putting the change back in, and there has been absolutely no suggestion that this lady, who is wonderful with Mum, has been anything other than scrupulously honest. 

The trouble is that making sure Mum has some cash in the house has become a faff – her pensions are paid electronically – and we need to be clear about her income and outgoings as we look into future care options. So last week we suggested to the home help that we move to a contactless debit card, on to which we could put a sensible amount of housekeeping money diverted from Mum’s account. Obviously all transactions could then be viewed online, but it wasn’t our intention to suggest that we didn’t trust the home help or that we wished to spy on her.

Well, she didn’t rant and rave, but I could tell she was furious. She left, more or less silently, and she’s cancelled a visit since then. We didn’t mean to upset her but we still think this is a good plan. Should we apologise?

— Simon, Wiltshire

Dear Simon

Sorry, but you’ve really screwed things up. Royally. To quote an old cliché: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Yes, your updating of this essentially small-scale accountancy arrangement makes perfect practical, logical sense. And yes, it may feel like the right thing to do if you’re contemplating care homes and the need for statements of means and suchlike. But it was so open to misinterpretation by your mother’s loyal, trustworthy carer.

Just look at it from her viewpoint. Cash? Uncheckable. Card? Checkable! Couldn’t you see how she’d take that sudden shift? You call it streamlining – and I’m absolutely sure that’s all you intended – but to her, it simply looked like you didn’t trust her. So yes – you must apologise and explain, post-haste. Grovel if you have to. And for God’s sake, abandon this oh-so-logical plan. It’s totally unnecessary. The old system worked just fine. Plenty of older people – plenty of people generally – are happier with cash, so just make sure a sensible amount of ‘petty cash’ goes into the jar each month. Surely you can put that down in whatever forms you eventually have to fill in?

You broke what wasn’t broken – so it’s up to you to fix it. Put it all back together again. For everyone’s sakes.