I think our twins’ disagreement will blow over. My wife could not agree less.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a minor question about a disagreement with my wife. We have fraternal twin 8-year-olds, who I’ll call “Annie” and “Zoe.” About a week ago, Annie had a pretty nasty leg fracture after a freak accident. She is recovering well but will probably be in a wheelchair for the next four weeks at least. Tuesday being Halloween, we were able to find a way for Annie to still go out trick-or-treating with her sister and their friends, but Annie ended up feeling really unwell and wound up staying home anyway.

Zoe went trick-or-treating with Annie and Zoe’s friends and got a lot of candy. Annie asked Zoe if Zoe could split half her candy. We didn’t have much candy otherwise, because we rarely get trick-or-treaters at our house. Zoe reluctantly gave in and split her candy with Annie. We usually don’t let the kids keep all the candy they get trick-or-treating anyways, so she wasn’t giving anything up that she would have otherwise been able to consume.

Zoe and Annie have had an argument and aren’t playing with each other much now. We talked to Zoe and she said she didn’t actually want to give Annie her candy, but felt guilty about not giving it, and that is where the argument stemmed from. Zoe has had a difficult time with Annie’s accident and injury—Annie’s hospital stay was the first time ever that the girls had been apart for more than a day. Annie has taken everything in stride and been very cheerful and upbeat throughout it, while Zoe has been anxious and worried for Annie. In the immediate aftermath of the accident, Annie and Zoe spent almost all day together after Annie came home from the hospital. Maybe they just need a bit of space from each other after being together more than usual for the past week.

My wife is really worried about this. I don’t think this is a big deal at all—they don’t fight very often, but when they do they resolve pretty easily. If history is anything to go by, in a week they’ll be back to normal. Halloween, as I’m writing this, was two days ago! But my wife can’t stop insisting that we intervene here, since the argument was caused by Zoe being selfish. Is that really necessary? In the past, we may have been involved in these sorts of things, but they’re growing older and this “conflict” isn’t very serious at all.

—All-Hallow’s-Eve Altercations

Dear Altercations,

I wouldn’t intervene unless the strife continues for the better part of the week. Yes, it’s unfortunate that Annie had an accident and it stinks that Zoe felt pressured to share her candy, but part of growing up is learning how to get past and resolve conflicts. My guess is that by the time your letter is published, the girls will have moved on. If that’s true, congratulations! You can still pull Zoe aside and talk about how to balance generosity and advocating for oneself, but I’d mostly let sleeping dogs lie.

If they aren’t back to normal, then a little family meeting is necessary—where everyone’s actions can be up for discussion. For example, I disagree with your wife’s claim that this is all on Zoe. Sure, she is pouting about not having to share her candy, but most kids her age would have felt the same way. So, this can be an opportunity to help Annie build empathy. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the situation blew up due to an instinct that Zoe may not even be conscious of to separate and form an identity distinct from her twin. If she feels like everyone automatically assumed she’d share, because she and Annie already share so much, that may explain why the conflict has lasted longer than expected. A family meeting can help you reinforce family norms of pitching in and sharing, but can also be an opportunity to examine and adjust some of those assumptions. Coming at the conversation with, “What could we all have done differently?” will yield better outcomes than just telling Zoe to be OK with sharing.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am guilty of making extremely poor and self-destructive choices beginning at age 18 that landed me in an unfortunate way of life. At 23, I was living as far across the U.S. as possible away from my entire family, working odd jobs to pay the bills, and hopping from one dysfunctional relationship to the next. After my latest breakup with a guy whom I had just moved in with, I called my mom, devastated. She told me that she didn’t understand why I stayed there when I could just come home, live at home and finish school, and then get a good job and not have to struggle. Finally, after years of running, I agreed. Within two weeks, I had packed everything I could fit into my car, my mom flew out to the city, and together we drove for three days back home to California. I have been here for two weeks, and things seemed to be going OK.

However, yesterday while my siblings were visiting, my sister said that we should all go on a trip next year for Christmas, so roughly 13 months from now. My mom laughed and said, “Morgan won’t be here by then, she’ll have moved away.” My sister just shrugged and moved on, probably assuming there was already some plan in place. But I was shocked! This plan goes against everything she promised me. I am at minimum two years out from finishing school, and then will have to start working. She told me that I could focus 100 percent on school and not work while I was home, but how am I supposed to have moved away in 13 months if I’m not working at all? This just totally sent me down a tailspin, because I already felt like I had to really go out on a limb to trust my mom. I have a friend since childhood who lives alone about two hours away, and she has offered me a place to stay while I look for a job up there. She says she’s wanted a roommate anyways, and we’ve been friends since we were 8 years old. But I’m so angry that is even a possibility! I left a city I loved to come back to a hometown I hate all because my mom made promises that would have afforded an ability to get back on my feet. And now, I’m facing going back to living exactly the way I was, but in a city I don’t like in a more expensive state. What do I do? My instinct is to run, but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere before. I’m afraid to talk to my mom, because she doesn’t always listen or handle these types of conversations well. Can you please give me some advice on how to move forward?

— California Dreading

Dear Dreading,

I might be totally misreading the situation, but I wonder whether your mom truly meant that you’d be gone because she would have told you to move out. I think she was making a joke, in bad taste, that you would have decided to up and leave by then, repeating past patterns. You said yourself that your instinct in tough situations is to run, but it hasn’t gotten you anywhere. Your mom knows this about you and could be pessimistic that you’re going to see this plan through. Was it a kind thing to say, if so? No. But does it mean she’s changing the plan on you? Not necessarily.

Regardless of whether my interpretation is correct, spinning scenarios inside your head and quietly panicking, rather than talking directly to your mom, isn’t helping. Have a conversation with her where you calmly ask what she meant by the comment. Explain how the comment made you feel and reestablish your commitment to see your plan through. You might want to plot out together exactly how long you anticipate school taking, how long after graduation you plan on still living with her, etc. so that you can be sure you’re on the same page. Post the timeline or email it to yourselves so that it doesn’t get forgotten or rewritten in anyone’s memory over the coming months.

Moving in with your parents after you’ve been independent is never easy, and it may take a series of honest conversations along the way for this arrangement to work. And since you mentioned a pattern of self-destructive choices, you might consider seeing a therapist who can help you interrupt your instincts and possibly reframe how you interpret your interactions with family, if you think it would help you stay the course. I know you’ve had some tough times in the past, but I believe with good communication you can make it through these two years successfully.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister is one year older than me and has always had a lot of strange fears. As a young child, she was convinced our parents kidnapped us. I had to constantly remind her we look just like them. Then it was that they were aliens, which lasted for years. She now has four children—two adults, a 10-year-old girl, and 12-year-old boy—and we are now in our early 40s.

Her most recent fear campaign is to accuse my mother, a 45-year nursing veteran who has established countless woman’s groups and healing communities throughout her life, of being a murderer. She has tried to convince other family members of these horrific thoughts for the last couple of years. She brings up family members or friends who died and had no association with our mother. There is a clear progression of mental health issues that is worsening; while she has always had a problem with lying, this is the worst she has ever gotten and none of us can talk to her. She refuses to let anyone speak to her young children and continues to make these grotesque accusations.

I am extremely worried about the psychological damage she is causing her children and the deep hurt she is causing my mom. All of my friends throughout my life have adopted my mom and she is grandma to many of their babies. But the hurt of having a daughter born with so much malice and suspicion is extremely challenging to live with. I am at a loss on how to help normalcy come from a home where a mother intentionally sabotages her children’s relationship with anyone, including her own family. Earlier this year she accused her husband of molesting their daughter. It was clear it did not happen, but it seems my sister does not want her children to be close to or able to speak to anyone but her.

Her older adult boys suffer extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-esteem issues stemming from the same behaviors since they were young. Neither can keep a friendship because of their compulsive lying. They don’t seem to understand that lying is an impediment to a functional life. I am at a loss at how to support my family in all the dead weight of the lies and drama from a sister who has refused to get treatment for her mental health issues.

—Hopeful for a Healing

Dear Hopeful,

You describe your sister’s behavior as “lies and drama” and “malice and suspicion,” which ascribes an intentionality to what she is doing. But when I read your letter, that’s not the vibe I am getting. I’m not a mental health professional, and I won’t try to armchair diagnose here, but the behaviors you outline here sound like they could be signs of mental health disorders like schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, etc. (Check out the memoir The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn R. Saks for a compelling look at what living with a disorder like schizophrenia looks like.) Let me be frank: It isn’t normal to accuse one’s husband of molestation or one’s mother of murder, and yet continue to live with and associate with them. That seems to me like a sign of underlying disordered thinking.

If it’s possible that your sister has an undiagnosed condition, I encourage you, her husband, and your mom to discuss possible steps forward. Speak to a medical or mental health professional who can guide you on your options, as different countries or states may have different laws in place. This resource from the National Alliance on Mental Illness can also give you some ideas for next steps.

There’s a possibility that, no matter if you try to intervene or get her help, this is going to be the reality of having her in your life, and you will have to decide if it’s something you can continue to withstand. And as much as you are concerned about your niece and nephews, there is very little that you can do if your brother-in-law keeps things status quo. Although it is painful, you may have to come to terms with the fact that you might not be able to help the situation. Seeing a therapist who can help you process that reality might be a helpful way to at least keep yourself emotionally safe and intact. Good luck.

—Allison

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