‘Help! Our DEI Trainer Won’t Stop Talking About Kink’

Dear Emily,

The individual straight cises whom I work with are pretty nice for the most part. Still, people (mostly my boomer coworkers) often misgender other people (mostly the younger they/thems) at my office and bristle when corrected. This has led to hurt feelings all around and some trans workers leaving the organization. Clearly, trans staffers including me thought, We need some outside help. So we requested that a trainer, outside our org, be hired to do a cultural-competency training that would cover pronoun use. And though it took years of private cajoling and public shaming, we finally got what we wanted! Well, we kind of got it. As part of the approval process, the DEI consultants we work with had to pick the trainer, and wow, what a pick they made.

The trainer is an interesting person who belongs to many identity groups, including being trans, but more significantly identifies as being “kinky.” Of course, I celebrate every time anyone but especially a trans person finds sexual gratification in this world. But their own kinkiness has come up a lot in this 101-level training on gender identity. We asked for an “intersectional perspective,” but perhaps we should have specified the intersection.

For example: When addressing questions like “What should I say if someone misgenders my coworker?,” this person’s answers include that misgendering may be all right if it is part of sexual play. But why would any of us be doing “sexual play” with our coworkers in the workplace? This wasn’t the guidance I was hoping for. Colleagues who knew I agitated for the training are texting me on the side like, “Can we talk about the kinky thing?” or “I am really confused how kinky is an identity like trans,” or “They lost me with the kinky stuff” or “LGBTQ … K?” Sadly I more or less agreed and have begun spite-counting the hours I spent thinking about this issue and talking to people about it, which has grown to more than ten, for a thing that was supposed to be simple and actually make my work life easier. Like many people, being trans has made me believe in conspiracies, which raises the question: Did management intentionally pick this trainer in the hopes that this effort will fail, or create confusion that will then allow people to continue to use the wrong pronouns for the they/thems, because when they do they will be like “I thought you were into misgendering kinky style, as implied by the mandatory HR training?”

Maybe I should leave it alone. Am I just being prudish? Shouldn’t I let this trainer bring their “whole self” to work? Still, trans people are often perceived as hyper-sexualized, so I think it matters what associations are made in our workplace. And on a more personal level, I don’t want Sharon from accounting picturing me with whip cream and a cat-o’nine-tails because I include my pronouns in my email signature. It’s opening a weird door at work that I would like to remain shut. Plus, if I were the trainer and people were confused by or mocking my lessons, I’d want to know for my own reputation and professional development. Is there a way to offer constructive, respectful feedback that would not be perceived as sex shaming? Should I “drop it in the chat” during the next training that we don’t need to hear about their Feeld profile? Should I complain to the same bosses who I begged to set up the training in the first place? Is the lesson here never to ask for anything at work, to quietly stew in my own simmering resentment rather than take action? How very kinky!

Yours,
Mx. Vanilla

Dear Mx. Vanilla,

I have to begin by stating this position: I strongly feel that no one should ever have to think or, god forbid, talk about anything sexual at work. Even introducing the concept of sexiness to the workplace can lead to disaster. I learned this the hard way in my 20s when I made the mistake of starting an affair with a coworker. After the affair ended we were both complete assholes to each other, bringing everyone around us down with our radiant toxic energy. This was, frankly, idiotic behavior on my part, but my workplace’s anything-goes energy contributed to the conflagration. Older and wiser, I now understand that the workplace should be as sterile and sexless as an airport Starbucks. Talking about kink in the context of mandatory training is … the opposite of that.

I cringed so hard when I read your description of the supposed DEI trainer’s inclusion of their kinky proclivities in a 101-level training about gender identity! This person behaved completely inappropriately. There’s absolutely no need to bring up a Feeld profile or misgendering as part of sexual play in a DEI training unless the employees involved deal with these issues professionally in some way. From the tone of your letter I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that your workplace is not a sex-toy testing lab.

You can’t undo any damage that might have been done, but I have some ideas about how to prevent a similar scenario from unfolding in the future. I asked my own organization’s head of DEI how he’d respond to your question, and he told me about a recent training that didn’t go as planned. Afterward, he wrote a letter to the attendees in which he made it clear that the trainer, who’d been brought in from an outside organization, used language and relied on stereotypes that didn’t align with our company’s values and made it clear that he’d be sharing this feedback with the leadership of the organization that brought in the trainer. But he also stressed that he’d found value in some other aspects of the training and reiterated those useful lessons. It was as perfect a piece of corporate communication as I’ve ever read, and as a bonus, it felt sincere and deeply thought out. Mostly, it made me think that what your organization needs isn’t outside DEI consultants. Your organization needs … a dedicated in-house DEI manager!

Hiring a DEI manager should be a no-brainer for an org that’s already lost employees due to a companywide culture of insensitivity toward trans employees. Instead of going to the bosses whom you begged for this training and complaining about how it went, you should be banding together with everyone who complained to you about the training and coordinating a meeting with your bosses that has one simple ask: adding a position to the management layer of your company that deals with these kinds of issues exclusively, so that in the future you and your fellow employees can take your complaints directly to them. Ideally, this person would also vet outside trainers and take a firm hand in coordinating the training themself, so that Sharon in accounting is clear on the basics of correct pronoun use but doesn’t automatically assume all trans people are kinky.

In other words, the problem isn’t this one kinky trainer. It’s that your bosses tried to put an inexpensive Band-Aid on a problem that needs a more long-term, sustainable, and yes, expensive, solution. But you can make the case to them that their investment will pay off in employee retention and workplace contentment. With some group effort, your office can eventually be just, fair, inclusive, and 100 percent vibes-free.