All the things you wouldn’t dream of doing when you’re over 50

Probably the first thing you thought when you learnt that Kanye West has replaced his teeth with a set of titanium dentures was, “He would not do that if he was in his 50s.” 

Well, maybe not the first thing. My first thought was, “No one can kiss that, ever”, closely followed by, “How do you clean them?”; “Eating is going to be like turning on the kitchen waste disposer”; and, obviously: “What kind of evil dentist agrees to this crime against nature?” 

Lots of things to think about Kanye’s teeth, but noting that even a 60-year-old Kanye would not have been in the market for titanium dentures was high on the list. The Jaws-mouth episode is a reminder that there are things you do when you’re younger (46 counts) that you would not dream of doing when you’re safely into your mid-50s.

Here are some that might be a bit more familiar:

The I’ll show them/him haircut

We’ve all had these. The worst are the ones you make up in the salon chair because you  haven’t a clue what you’re doing. The haircut I was determined to get was a cross between a Rod Stewart and a Wings-era Linda McCartney, but, without the hair or the face for it, what I got, more than once, was a Dana Carvey in Wayne’s World. What can I say? The older you get, the better you become at looking in the mirror, accepting your limitations, and picking up on hairdressers’ anxiety.

Going out with someone who doesn’t smile

Or walk you home, turn up on time, dance with you, want to meet your family, make an effort with your friends, show any interest in your work, know your favourite song. Going out with someone who by any objective standard doesn’t care about you as much as the bloke in the café who asked if you were OK and offered to make you a honey and lemon. With age comes intolerance for f—wits. Our old brains would not allow us to even be friends with this person now.

Wearing non-waterproof boots in the snow

There was a time before the advent of hygge and Scandi cool, before we all wanted a Sarah Lund Faroe Island jumper and Sorel boots, that you just trotted out in your suede high-heel court shoes and hoped your furry coat would break your fall.

Smoking all the time

Fortunately, all the obviously-terrible-for-your health things seem less and less attractive with the passing years – and not just because you can’t walk up an incline without puffing. Get to your mid-50s and you cannot wait to say no to a coffee after dinner let alone a flaming sambuca. Sometimes you get a sort of high from making it safely back home by 11 with your house keys.

Baring a lot more than you would have done when you were a lot fitter

Not body-shaming here, just making the point that in the Kanye years, men and women can get a feverish case of get-it-out-now-or-never – and that has nothing to do with how they look and everything to do with recent weight loss, big money spent on Pilates classes, or getting back at their ex. You can put a fairly precise figure on this window of body blindness: it’s roughly 44 to 54, though a divorce prior to or after may have the same effect.

Pursuing glamorous friends

What was that about? They never stick, you never get to the “no effort necessary” stage, but you may not work that out until you’re pushing 50 and the people who check in regularly, after the bad thing happens, are all your very old friends, not the ones with the gorgeous children and the fabulous extension. Quite a relief, actually.