Who is the vainest of Whitehall? George Galloway just shades it | John Crace

There’s none so blind as politicians. Listen to them talk and you’d be forgiven for thinking they had been blessed with a surfeit of human kindness. They were driven into politics by a compulsion to serve the little people. They had just too much love to give. Overwhelmed by a sense of duty. It must be exhausting being that perfect.

Only that’s not even half the story. A veneer to make themselves feel good. Because what really drives them is an overweening vanity. Scratch the surface and you will invariably find a massive ego. An entitlement to rule. A belief that they alone have all the answers. That they can sort out the problems everyone else can’t. Truly they are uniquely blessed.

A self-fulfilling conceit that only gets worse the more powerful you become. Because then you have any number of toadies brown-nosing you everywhere you go. Flunkies hoping to profit from your reflected glory. So once in government you never stop to wonder if you might be wrong. That would be a category error.

So there’s hot competition for the vainest MP in Westminster. Spoiled for choice. Self-awareness is in short supply. But if you had to stick your neck out, then George Galloway probably shades it. A man who is always pleased with himself. More than that, he adores himself. He has yet to meet anyone whom he considers his equal. His intelligence borders on divinity. People should count themselves lucky that he’s part of their world.

For George, there is only one natural order. One where his supremacy should be left unchallenged. So it’s fair to say that Susanna Reid probably got off to the wrong start in her interview with Galloway for Good Morning Britain by bringing up Rishi Sunak’s impromptu press conference on the night of Galloway’s byelection win in Rochdale. There again, Rish! targeting another politician for flirting with populism and extremism is a bit of a cheek.

“Sunak should be embarrassed,” said George, still wearing his hat even though he was indoors. Maybe he thinks he’s the caped crusader. Hmm. Not sure Sunak does embarrassment any more than Galloway does. They’re both above that.

Richard Madeley said Galloway had been elected three times. George almost spat out his disgust. He had been elected seven times for three different parties. You have to remember here that the only loyalty George prizes is to himself.

Reid then took him back to the Iraq war and his sycophancy to Saddam Hussein. Galloway didn’t want to go on about the past – or the present, for that matter. He was sick of being asked the wrong questions. Why weren’t they asking him about how brilliant he was? His devastating charisma?

Could they not see his Workers Party of Britain was poised to beat Labour at the next election? Especially as he had the former cricketer Monty Panesar standing in Ealing Southall. The man who has doubts about climate change. That should clinch it. First we take Manhattan. Then we take Berlin.

Susanna and Dicky didn’t quite know what to make of this fantasy interlude so asked him if he was still a practising Muslim as had been reported in the New Statesman in 2012. “I’m a practising Roman Catholic,” snapped George. “And I can’t help it if Nick Griffin thinks I’m amazing. You should check your facts before going on TV. You’re old enough to know better.” As is Galloway. Such charm. With that he stomped off back to obscurity. The people of Rochdale must be counting their blessings since they elected him.

Next in the studio was Keir Starmer. Susanna and Dicky fished out their questions, which had been specially prepared by Sarah Vine and the Daily Mail. It beats having to do your own research. Susanna started with Gaza. Would Keir admit he had been wrong to say that Israel had a right to cut off water and power?

Keir aimed for passive-aggressive over-politeness. What a brilliant question, he said. Though technically completely wrong as he had never said that. Susanna wasn’t having it. But you did say that because the Daily Mail said you said it. Luckily Dicky stepped in to add his ignorance of the Middle East and that section headed into a cul-de-sac.

“Let’s talk trans,” said Dicky. Starmer looked as if he might throw up. Though he has rather changed position, conceding that Rosie Duffield was right in saying only women have a cervix. “I don’t like the toxic debate,” said Keir. But GMB loves it. “Do you owe Rosie an apology?” said Dicky. Starmer merely said that he and Rosie had had plenty of helpful discussions on the subject. Which will come as news to Rosie. She’s still waiting for her phone to be unblocked.

There was some time to be spent on Angela Rayner’s living arrangements 15 years previously – literally no one cares – before we got to spend 30 seconds on Labour’s latest policy announcement – the clampdown on shoplifting – then Madeley pushed Keir out the studio. “So sorry our time is up. See you not too soon, I hope.”

Meanwhile, Sunak was addressing the Society of Editors on the importance of press freedom. Pass the sick bucket. Rish! can’t stand a free press. For the last 18 months he’s done his utmost to prevent sketch writers attending his events. He can’t stand any scrutiny. Only those hacks who repeat his untruths are rewarded with questions. And it will almost certainly get worse in the run-up to the election. Apparently, this is the new democratic Britain. Lucky us.

That just leaves David Cameron. Lord Big Dave was granting the Lords’ international relations and defence committee a rare audience to share his experience, strength and hope. In himself really. The world was a very complicated place, he said, but we were very lucky to have him flying around the world in a chartered private jet to agree that things needed to change. You can’t buy that kind of insight.

Still, we did learn one thing. That Lord Big Dave is quite at home with being a Lord. In fact, he can’t imagine why it took so long to give him the title. People like him deserve such baubles. “I’m here to serve,” he lied. Vanity. All is vanity.