While talking openly about penis size is seen as taboo, as a society we tend to conflate ‘bigger’ with ‘better’; praising people for having BDE (big dick energy) or using the suggestion of a smaller member as an insult.
The implication that anything less than huge is inadequate can then feed into a person’s sense of self worth, and potentially even lead them to develop what’s been termed ‘dickmorphia’.
Dickmorphia describes when someone is constantly concerned about the size of their penis, although it’s referred to as penile dysmorphic disorder or small penis anxiety in the medical field.
Research shows that only a third of men are happy with what they’ve got, but obsessive fixations and shame around penis size are when this veers into a variant of body dysmorphia.
Elize Kapaeva, certified sexologist and body-oriented therapist at sex-positive dating app Pure, tells Metro.co.uk that this may cause different reactions depending on whether someone is a ‘grower’ (whose penis may be smaller than average while flaccid but grow significantly when erect) or a ‘shower’ (whose size is an issue for them regardless of arousal).
‘In the first case, a man may begin thinking that in view of the “small” penis he has, his sex partner will immediately stop communicating with him, as if they will not see what this penis can grow to,’ she explains. ‘Or there may be a situation exactly the opposite: the penis will not be able to increase more than what is already there, and this will begin to greatly frustrate the man.
‘In both of these stories, the anxiety can be enormous, because men have long been shown who a real man is and what he should not be in any way, namely, he cannot be a “loser” in bed. A lot of responsibility and anxiety are also raised here because it’s as if men are biologically prescribed this hitch of sex and their identity.’
What is the average penis size?
It’s important to note that the average penis size is just that: an average, taking into account wide variations across the population. There’s also very little consistent research on the topic.
That said, you may be surprised by the figures available – at least if you’ve been comparing yourself to people in porn or a couple of mates who happen to be fairly well endowed.
Clemson University research found that men believe the average length to be six inches when erect, but the largest study on penis size claims it’s actually closer to five (5.16 inches to be exact). The average girth was found to be 4.59 inches which stayed the same whether flaccid or erect, while the average flaccid length was 3.6 inches stretched.
Bear in mind, everything from arousal to age to temperature can impact the size of your penis. Not to mention – and as we’ll expand on further – measuring up higher or lower than average should have no consequence on your ability to have a healthy and satisfying sex life.
Dickmorphia is often caused by comparison, despite the fact sexual pleasure and attraction are far from one size fits all. Many men are also comparing themselves to an unrealistic standard.
Sexual and relationship psychotherapist and sex expert for Lelo, Kate Moyle, tells Metro.co.uk: One 2008 study exploring male body image found that 68% described penis size being a concern for them, however we actually have no consistent research on actual penis size.
‘Much penis size anxiety relates to social narratives about penis size which are often connected to ideas about masculinity, paired with online representations of bodies that feed into these worries creating further comparison, anxieties and concerns.’
And while it may seem like trivial to some, this fixation can really impact sufferers’ mental health or intimate relationships.
‘People can become preoccupied with and insecure about what their partner might be thinking which then impacts other parts of the relationship,’ says Kate.
‘Specifically relating to sex it can create performance anxiety which has the potential to interrupt our sexual arousal, desire and functioning, and can lead to difficulties with erections or struggling to enjoy sexual experiences.’
In more extreme cases, Dr Deborah Lee, of Dr Fox Online Pharmacy told Men’s Health: ‘Men who suffer from this are so obsessed with their penis size, they may not be able to work, function in society, or maintain relationships.’
Does size really matter in the bedroom?
Contrary to popular belief, a large penis isn’t a prerequisite to fulfil a partner.
According to research into the most popular sex toys by the University of Kent, ‘women don’t place considerable emphasis on large phallus size’. Previous research also found that most women preferred an ‘average’ sized penis and weren’t too fussed about a big one, with one respondent saying: ‘I’ve found that guys with huge dicks think it gives them a free pass not to participate in foreplay and just go straight to penetration.’
That’s really the crux of the issue, as Elize explains: ‘Different penises can bring pleasure to a partner, just as women have differently-shaped vulvas.
‘And the majority of women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation, whichmeans it takes much more than penetrative sex to bring pleasure to your partner. Oral skills can come in handy, and using fingers can enhance the pleasure on different levels with or without a penis.’
It’s also worth noting that the average vagina only extends to around five inches during arousal, and penetration deeper than this (which hits the cervix) can be uncomfortable. In terms of anal sex, a large penis can also cause pain and tearing.
Regardless of girth and length, though, the saying ‘it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean that matters’ is something to live by. A satisfying sexual experience is all about enthusiasm, communication and confidence.
If dickmorphia is affecting your life, a dose of perspective may be helpful. You could also look at therapy to unpack why you’re ashamed about your body and work through low self-esteem.
‘Don’t judge your genitals by what is depicted in porn, as that is far from reality,’ advises Elize. ‘Instead, why don’t you explore what makes your penis stand out? Maybe you’re an expert in certain sex positions or you know how to pleasure your partner in ways other than just with your penis.’
Alternatively, if your partner is dealing with issues you think are down to concerns over their penis size, open, safe communication and avoiding shame are key.
However, Kate adds: ‘Your partner’s anxiety is theirs, and while you can be confirming and reassuring, you can’t persuade them out of their worry. They will have to get there on their own, as a huge part of these type of concerns is doubt, and some of that may be showing up in your relationship.
‘Validate and confirm what you do like about them and their body, and normalise that many of us have body insecurities and worries, and that human bodies are all different, diverse and unique.’
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Sarah Carter is a health and wellness expert residing in the UK. With a background in healthcare, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being, promoting healthier living for readers.
