10 Tips for Fighting Seasonal Depression and Ultimately Failing Like You Do at Everything Else

It’s that time of year again – a palette of autumnal colors paint the landscape. The nostalgia of the holidays transforms from idle memory to a sense of longing. The winds shift from a gentle nip to a firm bite, inviting you to dig out your wool coat and – wait, there’s something in the pocket. A note from the last cold season? It’s a reminder from your then-girlfriend to pick up her inhaler on the way home, which you absolutely did not do. Because you never follow through on anything, you piece of shit. You know that’s why she left you, right? Oh man. Now you’re spiraling into an all-too-familiar pit of despair: seasonal depression. But don’t break out that boxed hair dye yet – Hard Drive has come up with 10 tips to fight off the “Winter Blues,” if you can see them through.

Start Your Fitness Journey, Filming All of It

Working out at a gym is a great start to improving your self image, and more importantly, what others think of you – so break out that iPhone and force your sweaty flesh on the world. Make sure you come equipped with a grain silo-sized water bottle, weapons-grade narcissism, and no ability to read social cues whatsoever. Your fellow gym-goers will appreciate the free exposure!

Adopt a Cat, Then a Second Cat

Pets are proven antidotes to depression, but let’s be honest – that first cat is going to tear your apartment up. Torn blinds, pissed-on furniture, poop in your shoes, you name it. Clearly, the issue is that cats get lonely, and the obvious solution is to find him a friend. If you experience similar issues with the second cat, simply get another, and repeat as many times as is needed.

Sharpen Your Romance Skills With One of Those Weird-Ass Dating Sims

Why not? A love interest does wonders for the psyche, and while you probably aren’t going to find yourself courting an Eldritch God disguised as a perky undergrad, one of these sims could be good practice before taking on the real thing. Despite their cut-and-dry nature, propositions like, “Match 4 colors, and I’ll let you take me home!” and “Gather evidence to prove we aren’t related!” surely have some sort of real-life application, right? (In the interest of sparing you a vicious roast in the Discord, we strongly advise that you hide this one in your Steam Library.)

Avoid Consuming Alcohol, Smoke Pot Instead

“During times of sadness, people are more prone to cope by way of alcohol, perpetuating the descent into malady,” says celebrity depression expert Vicenzo Corningston. We both know what he’s really saying: smoke more weed. Ignore the somewhat chemical taste and intense bouts of paranoia: that’s how you know you got the good stuff. Cough it out, big guy.

WHATEVER, Consume a Ton of Alcohol, Too

On second thought, maybe not drinking is the problem. Screw the “experts”. Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Frank Sinatra: all famous for their insatiable drinking habits, and even more famous for being cool as hell. Ever seen somebody frown in a beer commercial? No you have not. So float like a boat on the Whiskey River, until your troubles are far behind.

Open a Credit Card to Pay for Several Mental Health App Subscriptions

Happify, Moodfit, MindShift, Talkspace – the options are limitless, as long as you don’t consider your finances a limitation. However, if the $65-per-week-per-app price of admission seems too steep for you at first, simply open a line of credit to cover the costs! You can’t put a price on your mental health, and after all, credit is basically pretend money. Don’t let some cowardly BS called FICO or Experian stand between you and your emotional wellbeing.

Find True Love in VRChat

This is it. All that time spent playing Galdranak: Stepbrother Universe Love Story! is about to pay off. You focus the lenses on your headset, and lock eyes with her from opposing booths at the virtual Waffle House – she, a nine foot tall Sleestak with offensively large breasts, and you, the shambling corpse of Ronald Reagan. This is your destiny. Yes, the violently glitchy limbs and voice modulation are a little off-putting, and she is asking a lot about your banking information, but we both know you can’t afford to pass up this sure shot at romance. What are routing and account numbers, but simply steps on the staircase of love?

Crap Your Pants at Work So You Can Have the Day Off

Everyone deserves a mental health day, and thankfully there’s a surefire way you’re getting out of your shift – curl some timber in those Dickies. There’s no chance they’re making you stay after that, follow-up meetings with management be damned. Afterward, proudly waddle your way out the door, head home, binge your favorite comfort show, and have a nap – after you shower and do some laundry, of course.

Just Sort of Wait Things Out?

If none of the above tips have worked for you, then our best recommendation for you is the one you’re best at – do nothing. Hunker down, dive into one of the many Humble Bundles you’ve purchased (but never even bothered to download), and hope that global warming continues on its current path. Sure, that might seem short-sighted, but when it’s 70°F in March, you can quickly get back to what you’re used to: plain old, regular ass depression, the way God intended.

Oh man I just realized there are only nine entries. Whatever, I don’t care anymore.